Do you have any jokes that can be used in a birthday speech?

In the manner of diet–I have been persistently strict in sticking to the things which didn’t agree with me until one or the other of us got the best of it.
MARK TWAIN – 70th birthday speech

If the birthday falls on a day of the anniversary of a big disaster(fire flood etc). You could add in "You can see why some people consider my birthday a national disaster!"

[QUOTE=Tim]Do you have any jokes that can be used in a birthday speech?[/QUOTE]
I am turning 70 and would like a joke to be sent to me

You could always try the "You know that you are getting old when…" line of jokes

Here are a few of my favorites

When males wore hats (not backwards baseball caps) and removed them in church.

When you had to get up to change the black and white t.v. channel

When you wore your good clothes to travel by air.

A new bicycle meant you were rich.

Remember when Coke came in a glass bottle

Most of your sentences begin with, "When I was your age…"

The fire department is requested to attend your birthday party in case the candles on your cake get out of hand.

Everyone is happy to give you a ride because they don’t want you behind the wheel.

You often repeat things…You often repeat things… You often repeat things…

You discover the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down.

I particularly like this ditty that was emailed to me

We are Survivors!

For those born before 1940.

We were born before television, before penicillin, polio shots, frozen food, Xerox, plastic contact lenses, videos, frisbees and the pill.

We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, ballpoint pens, before dishwashers, tumble dryers, electric blankets, air conditioning, drip dry clothes and before man walked on the moon.

We got married first, and then lived together (how quaint can you be?). We thought fast food was what we ate during Lent, a Big Mac was an oversized raincoat and crumpet was eaten for tea. We existed before househusbands, computer dating, dual careers and when meaningful relationships meant getting along with cousins and sheltered accommodation was where you waited for a bus.

We were before day care centres, group homes and disposable nappies. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, artificial hearts, word processors, yoghurt and men wearing earings. For us time sharing meant togetherness, a chip was a piece of wood or fried potato. Hardware meant nuts and bolts and software wasn’t a word.

Before 1940 made in Japan meant junk; the term making out referred to how you did in your exams. Stud was something you fastened your collar to a shirt with and going all the way meant staying on a double decker bus back to the depot.

Pizza, McDonald’s and instant coffee were unheard of . In our day cigarette smoking was fashionable; grass was mown, coke was kept in the coalhouse, pot was something you cooked in; and a joint was a piece of meat roasted on Sunday. Rock Music was grandmas lullaby and a gay person was the life and soul of the party and nothing more. Aids meant beauty treatments or help for someone in trouble.

We who were born before 1940 must be a fairly hard bunch when you think of all the ways in which the world has changed and the adjustments we have had to make. No wonder we are confused and there is a generation gap today…but; by the grace of god we have survived.

Can anyone direct me to the actual speech of Mark Twain on turning 70 – there is a quote in it about "not having to behave anymore"?

Thanks Kevin

http://www.boondocksnet.com/twaintexts/speeches/mts_seventieth.html

[QUOTE=Unregistered]I am turning 70 and would like a joke to be sent to me[/QUOTE]
It’s not the age but the mileAGE that counts